I’m the King of Jubilee Jumbles

artist Nayland Blake natters on about art and other things

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If you’re on my friends list you probably know by now that this weekend was the one-two-punch of Leather Pride Night and Folsom Street East, what has become the kinky run up to The Pride Parade on Sunday.

This is only the second year I’ve had anything to do with LPN, but I’ve been at FSE off and on since the first one in 1997. I think next year we need to have a live blogging station set up, since there are so many lj people in attendance.

The weekend was very full but by the time I got home last night I was also in a strange head space. While I was at LPN, I was pretty much working the event, and when I first went to Folsom it was as a staffer of the Hot Ash table. Yesterday I pretty much strolled around, taking some pictures, saying hi to people, doing a little shopping, smoking my pipe. It’s a little like going to an art opening: many many pleasant but abbreviated conversations. If I’ve got a job to do, it at least gives some shape to the event.

It also helps me deal with my feelings of shyness and inadequacy in those circumstances. To some extent these events are big meat racks, and it’s easy for me to start comparing myself or shutting down. It’s not that I’m happy to see people, but more that I’m less secure about what to do with that happiness. I always feel like I do better in situations where I can sit with someone and have a prolonged conversation. ON the fly I become a glib chump. It’s certainly one of the reasons I prefer to DJ – I get to participate intimately in the party, but I always have something to retreat to.

So all being said the weekend left me feeling hollowed out. It’s been very rare that these kind of public events bring me to a felling of belonging and celebration. It was the same with the Folsom and Dore Alley fairs in SF, and it’s still pretty much true now. Ultimately I feel like some crucial question of “why am I doing this” is still unanswered.

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Written by naylandblake

June 23, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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